Usefulness
by Merl Laurence
Summary: ONESHOT Bellamy reflects on what he just did with Raven. In his tent. He experiences some guilt and self-loathing. Rated M for sexual situation and self-gratification. Believe it or not, Bellarke.


Usefulness

Disclaimer: new sandbox, playing, not making any money, blah, blah, blah.

Spoilers: S1:E11 - The Calm

Summary: Bellamy reflects on what he just did with Raven. In his tent. He experiences some guilt and self-loathing. Rated M for sexual situation and self-gratification. Believe it or not bellarke.

A/N: So this is my venting Fic on "The Calm," because like other Bellarke fans, I guess I felt betrayed in a way. I like Raven, but I'm afraid I don't like her with Bellamy. Yes, Bellarke is End Game, yay. Sorry if this portrays Bellamy as a douche-bag, but I really needed to write this cathartic little piece.

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He lets her use him because deep down maybe he was a little hurt and pissed off too.

That and he's a man who isn't about to turn down the comforts of a woman in front of the whole camp, because that's what it is, isn't it? There are eyes everywhere and there's bound to be some nosey ass fool taking note of who entered his tent and when. Plus, like he said, he's not the guy that will talk her down. Not her anyway, because it doesn't seem like anyone can get through to that hard head of hers except for Finn.

It doesn't feel right much less any good and he wonders, when she's done riding him if she even notices that he didn't reach his own orgasm. He found himself just going through the motions, breathing heavy, a hand there for balance, the reciprocal, conciliatory kiss to feign a minimal degree of interest and his member a little below full mast. It's not like he can't get it up all the way, because he has.

It's just because truthfully, Raven isn't who he really wants. She and the other girls were never who he really wanted, it seems.

She crawls off of him and collapses beside him and he wonders if she even notices as she lays there panting. He's just glad she's done and off him. But he has to ask, now that she's getting up to leave, as if to prove a point, "did that help?" Even though he knows the answer.

"No," Raven admits, begrudgingly.

God, he wants to say - I told you so - but bites his tongue, because no one deserves to be kicked while they're down. He watches her leave and he realizes that he's annoyed now because he has to do something about himself.

To be fair, she got him worked up and he needs to alleviate the pressure, otherwise he'll end up limping around camp in pain. And he wouldn't be able to explain it away since he didn't leave camp to hunt like the others, possibly sustaining some injury.

He snakes a hand down into the covers and caresses himself slowly, causing himself to fully harden. And just like that, the blonde hair and soft curves of Clarke pop into his mind's eye. In his tent, alone like this, stroking his length, he'd be a fool to not see how pathetic he is at the moment, because it means something that all he can think of, after having "sex" with Raven is Clarke. It wouldn't be the first time that his thoughts drift to her after the act. It's clearly just some latent longing that he chooses to ignore. He's such an idiot.

Back at the task at hand, more gentle pulling and he gives up and let's his imagination go. He sees her eyes, blue and striking, the gentle curve of her neck, the roundness of her breasts, the slope of her hips and imagines her sighs as he sinks into her. His grip becomes firmer as he thinks about her tightness, his own exhalations deepening. The pace of his stroking continues to increase and his hand becomes slick. He fantasizes how his name comes out of her pink lips, all breathy, husky and just shy of moan when she finally comes, her body vibrating with her convulsions and he follows suit.

He actually moans her name too - _Clarke_.

Well, fuck.

Funny how that didn't take so long at all. The worst part about it is he feels totally wrecked.

How pathetic.

How sad.

He lies gasping for air once more and feels shame for thinking of her. He saw her disappear through the gates with Finn and maybe he wasn't going to let it get to him but it did. The same way it got to Raven. And stupid him, stupid her, dealing with the rejection the only way they know how.

Because truth of the matter is, he doesn't feel he deserves Clarke, is worthy of her. Maybe he's not a monster after all, but after this mistake with Raven she wouldn't want him anyway.

End.

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So just a testament to how affected I was, I wrote this on my phone, read through it a few times, hopefully there aren't so many glaring mistakes, etc. Thanks for reading. Let me know what you all think.


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